I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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