Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This toilet bowl is my home.
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