His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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