she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
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Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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