Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
