just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
