my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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