I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
