Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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