I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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