Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i think my cat just said my name.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
