im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My cat gives me a boner
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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