I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
