I only kidnapped one of them. chill
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
