I looked at my own cervix.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
