I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
