seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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