I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
