You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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