I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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