You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Two words: blizzard sex
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