when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
