Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
