i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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