How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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