I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You left your phone here
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