sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
