when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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