I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
