Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
