I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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