please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
