I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
