I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
