i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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