I could have mohawked her pubes.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
