I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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