my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize