Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
