So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
