so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
