I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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