we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
