i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
