I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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