I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
