Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
