she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
