i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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