Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Two words: blizzard sex
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
