there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
