I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
