I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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