Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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