Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
