Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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