My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
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Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
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At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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