Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
