you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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