i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
