I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
