Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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