I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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